Healing Rays of Righteousness

The Memorial Day activities of parades and services to remember and honor those who died in our nation’s wars, left me wondering why the contrasting difference in the way our American society responds to the deaths of its citizens.  On the one hand, it responds with an all-out effort to remember and honor those who died in its wars, but on the other hand, it seems to encourage an all-out effort to quickly move on with life and suppress talking about the deaths of family and friends.

Because it hurts to remember, many friends of the family believe that they must somehow help the family to forget the death of a loved one and move on with life.  It is believed that to “bring it up” in conversation will open up the old wounds and cause more pain.  However, the truth is that people should and are going to remember whether we “bring it up” or not.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it well when he wrote, “Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love.  …It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap.  He doesn’t fill it, but on the contrary, he keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain.  …The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation.  But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy.  The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a precious gift in themselves.”

Nevertheless, there seems to be a universal fear of remembering and talking about those who have died.  But, contrary to the popular fear and myth, bereavement grief is not a process of forgetting; rather, it is a process of learning to reconcile one’s self to the lost of a loved one while also reliving the good memories of that relationship.

To not talk about our relationship with the person who died is to rob ourselves of good grief work and healing, as well as to steal significance from the one who died.

Establishing the significance of the life lived in our midst is key to the healing of the pain suffered in the loss.  Significance is established as we remember and share memories of that relationship with one another.

In his booklet, The Gift of Significance, Doug Manning writes, “The grieving process is a gradual change from the physical presence of a loved one to the sense of presence provided by the memories.  The goal is to learn to live with the person not being here.  Coping without their presence happens when we begin to find comfort in the memories.”

I believe that one of the most priceless gifts that God gives us through the life of another person is the memory of our relationship with that person.  Those memories are ours to keep, to hold, and to cherish – a treasure that no one can rob from us – a treasure that never needs to be locked up or buried.

Memories are gifts that we should both cherish and nourish by recalling them often throughout our lifetime.  Memories take us by the hand and lead us back through the mists of the past to the happy scenes and experiences of yesterday.  And when a life has been lived constructively for God and others, the memories of that life is like a beautiful walk through a pleasant garden.

The wisdom writer of Proverbs suggested this when he wrote, “The memory of the righteous will be a blessing.” (Pr. 10:7a).

The ability to nurture and enjoy the memories of a relationship means that we never need to do as is often said, “pay our last respects” to a beloved friend or family member.  Nurturing and enjoying the garden of memories given us by a person keeps our respect and love for them alive and growing.

In many memorial services held each year, candles are lit in remembrance of those who died.  As we light each candle we give name, face, and public acknowledgement of the unforgettable relationship that was ours with that person.

The tradition of lighting candles is significant in two ways.  First, it symbolizes the light and warmth that each of those persons brought into our lives and community.  And secondly, it reminds us of our Christian hope that shines as light into the darkness of death and loss.  That light of Christian hope encourages us to walk through the garden of memories knowing that our present separation is only temporary.

Again I say, that the memories given us by those now separated from us are very precious gifts.  Let us rightly cherish them and freely share them with one another.  In so doing, we will both bless and be blessed.

“Healing Rays of Righteousness” – May 22, 2019