Healing Rays of Righteousness

Staying With the Relationship

In situations of illness where there is no cure and usually no miracles, there is a harsh reality for both the sufferer and their caregivers. As a chaplain, I know it is an emotional and physical challenge to stay connected to, minister to, and support the dying person and their family through what is frequently a prolonged dying process.

Working in a large retirement community for ten years and with hospice prior to that, I have ministered as chaplain, friend, and comforter to many a dying person and their family during the slow journey toward the moment of death and separation. I am trained in clinical pastoral skills to compassionately minister to both the dying and the living. I have learned how to mediate God’s caring presence in these situations. And I have been very comfortable being there as a listening, empathetic presence. I have a good understanding of my role as chaplain and can use my skills effectively in helping the dying person and their family move toward a meaningful closure in their relationships.

However, during these same years, the prolonged illness and dying of several colleagues presented a much different and more difficult ministry challenge for me. In these relationships I had a much greater than usual emotional investment of mutual interests and friendship, and so experienced a great sense of loss in their dying. In some ways I became more a part of the grieving family needing a chaplain rather than being the chaplain. And I discovered that as the disease progressed in their body and death approached, it became increasingly difficult for me to stay with the relationship. It became easier to find “excuses” for staying away.

Why? I can think of several reasons. First, every visit forced me into thinking more intensely about my own mortality and separation from those I love.

Secondly, not only was my colleague grieving, but also was I; he the loss of life, and I the loss of a trusted co-worker and beloved friend. Out of this grieving and contrary to my best clinical pastoral knowledge, I found myself tending to protect the relationship by speaking more hopeful than realistic, more cheerful than sad, more confident than honest in my expressions of faith. And, fearing greater isolation, my grieving colleague did the same, not wanting to upset me or scare me away from visiting again. In tiptoeing carefully through our conversations, both of us robbed ourselves of the opportunity to walk together and support each other in confronting the deep feelings of loss, and together experience God’s healing presence.

Thirdly, I found it extremely painful to witness my colleague’s body and mind slowly deteriorating, and their interests and conversation diminishing. To see the person who once provided leadership, pastoral advice, listening, and nurturing, now no longer able to do those things was so heart wrenching and hard to accept. Thus, it became increasingly stressful to visit and minister appropriately to both the person and their family.

In these several experiences I discovered that it was neither easy nor comfortable to be God’s messenger of comfort and hope to a dying colleague. I also became more aware of my tendencies to avoid painful visits and needed to make a greater effort to stay with the relationship, validating my dying colleague’s feelings, history, and future, going with him hand-in-hand to the moment of separation by death. And knowing that the family experiences more intensely the same feelings and tendencies that I experience, energized me to move beyond my initial inclination and be there mediating God’s loving presence to them.

(Postscript)

I authored the above article 20 years ago while still actively ministering as a chaplain. Now retired and reflecting on what I said then, reminded me of how much my life has been shaped and guided by my decision to “stay with the relationship” no matter what. Whether it be family, church, work, or neighborhood, this has been a basic life principle for me, based on my understanding of God’s command to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39), and “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34).

I will confess that this has not always been easy and the temptation to avoid or end the relationship is often very real. Differing religious and political beliefs, perspectives, and expectations crucified Jesus, and the same differences remain equally deadly in our relationships yet today. And Jesus weeps!

But I have also experienced the rich rewards of staying with the relationship, and that has kept me motivated toward maintaining and nourishing even the difficult and often painful relationships. Furthermore, my study and meditation on Jesus’ life and teachings leads me to believe that this is what Jesus expects from us, his disciples.

May God help us to commit ourselves toward staying with and deepening all our relationships. Amen!

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“Healing Rays of Righteousness” – June 28, 2023

www.geigler13.wordpress.com

Ray M. Geigley

Are You Privileged or Task Oriented

We know that every human step leads to another step, and that every human act toward another brings about a reaction. What we too easily forget is that every step and action we take toward another is preceded by thought and attitude regarding the other. This is why Jesus repeatedly commanded his disciples to love others, even as he loves them.

A loving attitude toward another always leads to the greatest and most beneficial consequences for both. To maintain a loving attitude toward another leads to blessings for both the giver and receiver of loving actions. Yes, a loving attitude leads to loving actions that will likely require sacrifice of time and energy. But it will also lead to significant gains in a deepening relationship with the other.

Beverly Sills, a well-known operatic soprano singer during the 1950 – 1970 years, had just given an outstanding matinee performance, and according to the program, she would give another performance that evening at 8:00 p.m. 

Backstage her loyal fans were congratulating her, when one of them said to her, “You must rest now, because I see that you have to give another performance tonight.” “No,” said Beverly Sills, “I don’t have to give another performance tonight.” “Well,” said her fan, “it says here in the program that you have an 8:00 p.m. performance this evening.  Did you forget?” Beverly answered, “Yes, I do have a performance tonight, but I don’t have to give it.  I get to give it.”

Beverly Sills spoke and acted the difference one’s attitude can make in how we live and relate to others. Beverly Sills was “privilege” oriented rather than “task” oriented. She considered it a privilege and a joy to give a performance, not a task to do or a burden to endure. For her, the performance was a joyful pleasure, because she believed she was doing what God called her to do, that is, sing. In being led by Jesus’ love for others, Beverly was blessed as she lovingly blessed others with her singing.

The truth is that I don’t have to love my neighbor.  I don’t have to share what God has given me.  I don’t have to feed the hungry, visit the sick, and be a friend to the lonely and dying.  I don’t have to be kind, compassionate, and considerate of others.  I don’t have to sacrifice time and energy to benefit the well-being of others.

I don’t have to do any of these things, but I get to do them as a privilege of being led by and filled with the love of Jesus. To be led by Jesus Love in caring about others is not burdensome and it transforms my work and relationships from burdensome task to blessed privilege.

This is what I hear Jesus saying to his disciples and us in John 15:9-17, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ….. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this; to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. ….. This is my command: Love each other.”

In this passage, I hear Jesus telling his disciples of yesterday and today, that truly loving him will demand more than our words of love and worship. Truly loving him (Jesus) will lead to actions of love toward others in the same manner and measure that he loves us. And these works of love will often require sacrifice, even as he did for us because of his love for us.

Most importantly, the result of our being “privileged” oriented rather than “task” oriented, is perhaps more than most of us can fathom.  In return for our love and obedience to his command to “Love each other,” God will love us. “He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.” Like the story of the prodigal son, God will wrap his arms around us and welcome us home. Amen!

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“Healing Rays of Righteousness” – June 16, 2023

www.geigler13.wordpress.com

Ray M. Geigley