Now is the wondrous Christmas season and everywhere we hear ‘Tis the season to be jolly. But you ask, “How can I be jolly, when I am feeling so sad, heart-broken, grieving the death of a loved one. For me, my pain of loss is even more severe during this time. Why should I and how can I be jolly when I am struggling just to cope with my pain of loss and loneliness?”
If this is your painful thoughts during this time of the year, please allow me to offer you a few encouragements from my own journeying experience through bereavement grief that may encourage and help you cope with the harsh realities of a significant loss in your life.
There is no questioning that your world has been turned upside down. Your life has been shattered by the death of a loved one. Everything is now uncomfortably and fearfully different. And the holiday celebrations of Thanksgiving and Christmas, only further maximize the pain of loss you feel.
Added to the deep hurting of significant loss, is the pain of other’s expectations. Friends, and maybe your own children, often do not understand the necessary journey through grief, or possibly do not want to deal with nor be reminded of its pain. And so, they strongly advise you to participate in family and church traditions as you always have done in previous years. For them, your need to grieve may be threatening and uncomfortable for them, and so they wish you would act as if nothing has changed.
Unfortunately, in response to these misguided expectations of others, you may be tempted to choose either to ignore your pain and do as others wish you to do, or to ignore the holiday altogether and withdraw into your own little world. However, neither of these ways are an appropriate response toward your coping with the reality of severe loss, nor do they enable you to move forward toward healing of your grief and renewed joy of living. In fact, both choices have very harmful consequences to your health and well-being.
There is no way to ease the pain, nor detour around it. But there are ways to deal with pain, that is, to cope with the reality of grievous loss. I recommend that you think of your bereavement grief as a painful experience of journeying through and toward healing and a new reality of joy and happiness.
First, allow yourself to feel what you feel, because what you permit yourself to feel can heal. Do not try to hide or bury your pain. Acknowledge your sadness and allow yourself to cry, even in public places and church, but do not wallow in self-pity. Seize every opportunity to share memories with those who will listen. Talk about former holiday experiences and look at pictures.
Secondly, be realistic about what you want and need from the holiday season, remembering that you need both grieving time and celebration time during these days. Be kind to yourself and beware of being pressured by others. Separate holiday tasks and feelings. You can choose to address and send Christmas cards, but you cannot choose the feelings that will erupt when you do so.
Also, if you choose a change of scenery, such as distant travel or cruise, for the holidays, remember that grieving emotions will not only accompany you, but they will also be waiting for you when you return home. More importantly, in whatever you choose to do, beware of abusing medications, alcohol, or excessive eating to escape the pain. Remember to live only one day at a time.
Thirdly, choose to be active and around people. This may often be difficult but is important in combating loneliness. Try to exercise physically every day as it releases the body’s natural painkillers and gives you a sense of well-being. Spend time with children because they can remind you of the wonder and joy of life. Volunteer to help in a ministry to those less fortunate than you.
And most importantly, renew and affirm your HOPE for the future. Hope is essential to coping with bereavement loss. Remember that hope is both a future-oriented framework of expectations and a present-oriented framework of possibilities. Without hope it is almost impossible to mobilize your energy and potential healing of grief. Hope for a better tomorrow enables you to cope with today and will infuse you with peace and joy on Christmas Day.
Above all, believe and be assured that God loves you, will provide for you, and has planned a good future for you. Under His loving grace and care, you will again be able to sing the carols of Christmas, but in the meantime, listen to the angelic carolers.
“It came upon the midnight clear, that glorious song of old, from angels bending near the earth to touch their harps of gold: “Peace on the earth, goodwill to men, from heav’n’s all-gracious King.” The world in solemn stillness lay, To hear the angels sing.
Still thro’ the cloven skies they come, with peaceful wings unfurled, and still their heav’nly music floats o’er all the weary world. Above its sad and lowly plains they bend on hov’ring wing, and ever o’er its Babel sounds the blessed angels sing.
And you, beneath life’s crushing load, whose forms are bending low, who toil along the climbing way with painful steps and slow: Look up! for glad and golden hours come swiftly on the wing. O rest beside the weary road, and hear the angels sing.” (Edmund H. Sears, 1849).
I pray that you will let God bless you during this Christmas season with His comforting, enabling grace. AMEN!
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