The Memorial Day activities of parades and services to remember and honor those who died in our nation’s wars, left me wondering why this is so different to the way our society responds to the deaths of its fellow citizens. On the one hand, it responds with an all-out effort to remember and honor those who died in its wars, but on the other hand, it seems to encourage an all-out effort to quickly hush the memories following the death and funeral of a dearly loved family member or friend.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it well when he wrote, “Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love. …It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap. He doesn’t fill it, but on the contrary, he keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain. …The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy. The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a precious gift in themselves.”
We know this to be true, and we rightly remember and honor those who died in our wars. But I am saddened that we do not encourage the same response following the deaths of our neighbors and friends and wonder why.
We all acknowledge that it hurts to remember, but many believe the myth that because it hurts, they must somehow help the family to quietly shelve the death of a loved one and move on with life. It is believed that to “bring it up” will reopen the old wounds and cause more pain. And it most likely will.
However, they will be remembering and hurting, silently and alone, whether we “bring it up” or not. It is so important for all of us to rightly understand that grief is not a process of forgetting, but rather a process of learning to cope while we painfully remember and talk about our grievous loss.
To not readily and openly talk about our relationship with the person who died and the memories they gave us is to rob ourselves and the bereaved of good grief work and healing, as well as to steal significance from the one who died.
In his booklet, The Gift of Significance, Doug Manning writes, “The grieving process is a gradual change from the physical presence of a loved one to the sense of presence provided by the memories. The goal is to learn to live with the person not being here. Coping without their presence happens when we begin to find comfort in the memories.”
Establishing the significance of the life lived in our midst is key to the healing of the pain suffered in the loss. Significance is established as we remember and share memories of that relationship with one another.
Memories take us by the hand and lead us back through the mists of the past to the happy scenes and experiences of yesterday. And when a life has been lived constructively and for God and others, these memories provide for many a beautiful walk through a pleasant garden.
From my own experience, I have learned that one of the most priceless gifts that God gives us in the death of another person is the garden of memories. These memories are ours to keep, to hold and to cherish, a treasure that no one can rob from us. A treasure that should never be buried or locked up inside of us.
The writer of Proverbs suggested this when he wrote, “The memory of the righteous will be a blessing,” (Pr. 10:7a).
The ability to nurture and enjoy this garden of memories means that you never need to do as is often said, “pay your last respects” to a loved one who has died. Why? Because every time the memories are audibly shared with another, they keep those “last respects” for a loved one or friend alive and growing.
Yes, memories are a gift given us by those now separated from us. Let us rightly cherish them and freely share them frequently with one another. In so doing, we both bless and are blessed.
“Healing Rays of Righteousness” – May 20, 2020
Ray M. Geigley
Healing Rays of Righteousness 
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