The annual holiday season of Thanksgiving and Christmas traditionally begins next weekend. It is the season to be jolly. But how can I be jolly when I’m heart-broken and grieving the death of a person I dearly loved. How can I cope and get through this holiday season?
If you are in this situation and thinking these thoughts, I offer the following counsel from my own experience that may help you not only to cope but also to experience some good moments of healing.
The death of a loved one does dramatically and painfully change your life and world. And the holiday celebrations, especially Christmas, seem to maximize the torturous pain of lost and loneliness that you feel.
Added to the hurt and difficulty to cope, is the pain of what others expect from you. Friends, and sometimes your own children or siblings, who don’t fully understand grief or don’t want to deal with its pain, strongly urge you to participate in family and church traditions as you always have done in previous years. For them, any change from your former activities during the holidays is threatening and uncomfortable, and they wish for you to act as if nothing has changed.
In response, you may be tempted to choose between ignoring the pain and do as others wish you to do, or to ignore the holiday altogether and withdraw into your own little world. However, neither of these ways is a healthy and appropriate response, nor are they helpful in your grief coping and healing possibilities.
There is no way to ease the pain, but there are ways to cope with the reality of great loss and pain. First, allow yourself to feel what you feel, because only what you permit yourself to feel can heal. Acknowledge your sadness and allow yourself to cry, yes, even in public or in church, but don’t wallow in self-pity. Share memories with those who will listen. Talk about former holiday experiences and look at pictures that elicit precious memories for you.
Secondly, be realistic about what you need from the holiday season, remembering that you need both grieving time and celebration time during these days. Be kind to yourself and beware of being pressured by others. Separate holiday tasks and your feelings, that is, you can choose to address and send Christmas cards but you cannot choose the feelings that such activity will erupt. And those feelings are okay, so own them.
If you choose a change of scenery, such as a ski trip or cruise for the holidays, remember that your grief emotions will accompany you, and they will also be waiting for you when you return home and familiar surroundings. Whatever you do, beware of abusing medications, alcohol, or excessive eating to escape the pain. Most importantly, live one day at a time, seizing whatever richness the day may offer you.
Thirdly, deliberately choose to be active and around people. This may be difficult but it is important in combating loneliness. Physically exercise regularly and often because it releases the body’s natural painkillers and gives you a sense of well-being. Spend time with children, because they can remind you of the wonder and joy of life. It also awakens hope in you. Many find it helpful to volunteer in helping those less fortunate than you.
And finally, renew and affirm hope in yourself for the future. Hope is essential in coping with bereavement loss. Hope is both a future-oriented framework of expectations and a present-oriented framework of possibilities. Without hope it is almost impossible to mobilize your energy and potential healing of grief. I know from experience that hope helps you cope.
Most importantly, believe God loves you, will provide for you, and has planned a future for you. Under His loving grace and care, you will again be able to sing the carols of Christmas. But in the meantime, listen to their beautiful melodies and message.
It came upon the midnight clear, That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth To touch their harps of gold.
“Peace on the earth, goodwill to men, From heav’n’s all-gracious King.”
The world in solemn stillness lay To hear the angels sing.
Still thro’ the cloven skies they come, With peaceful wings unfurled,
And still their heav’nly music floats O’er all the weary world.
Above its sad and lowly plains They bend on hov’ring wing,
And ever o’er its babel sounds The blessed angels sing.
And ye, beneath life’s crushing load, Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way With painful steps and slow,
Look up! for glad and golden hours Come swiftly on the wing.
O rest beside the weary road And hear the angels sing.
(It Came Upon the Midnight Clear – Text: Edmund H. Sears)
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“Healing Rays of Righteousness” – November 20, 2019
Ray M. Geigley
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